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After our poor showing in South Africa I decided to host my own tournament that England had a chance of winning. I picked a sport that leaves the rest of the world standing. A pastime where only Brits need apply. If the US can have a World series made up of solely American teams (plus a token Canadian) then why can’t we have our own UK centric extravaganza? Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Thanet’s first ever Biscuit World Cup.

The first match will kick-off at 05.54 GMT on Monday 2nd August and will culminate with the final on Sunday 8th August. Each day will see a potentially different stadium being chosen, at random, by Network South Eastern. It could be Daley Thompson, Sir Steve Redgrave or maybe even Chris ‘Bran Flakes my arse’ Hoy – it all depends which High Speed train they send down the track that day.

Monday to Thursday will see two qualifying matches per day, Friday the quarters, Saturday is semis day and Sunday’s final will bring the tournament to a welcome end.

Each biscuit will be dunked in coffee and judged by a beautiful assistant, Mark, and myself. In the case of a tie it will be referred to anybody else sitting near us in the carriage to make a final call. We’ve both trained long and hard for this. It’s gonna be one hell of a week. Sixteen biscuits, seven days, two chubby chaps and only one Biscuit World Cup Champion. I’m off to Sainsbury’s to select the teams.